“There is no such thing as peace of mind.” - David Carse, ‘Perfect, Brilliant, Stillness’

The impetus behind this blog has always been to share, as honestly as possible, my search to understand and overcome this thing called suffering – a subject that can take on a particular poignancy at this time of year. I never imagined the blog would last very long – just until I was able to overcome my own suffering and then “move on with life.”

But something peculiar started to emerge during all the vision quests, ayahuasca, meditation, energy work, sweat lodges, meditations, psychotherapy, etc. – the suffering never really went away, it just changed form. It was like a game of ‘whack-a-mole’ – no sooner was one form of suffering done away with than another would pop up to take its place.

In a sense, as I emerged from that Vision Quest in 2006, I imagined I was on the road to recovery when, in truth, I was plunging headlong into a kind of futile search without end. Sure enough, by the time I returned home my depression had deepened. I’d used my silver bullet, and now something ‘more’ was needed. Ayahuasca in the Amazon would be next and, not surprisingly, my depression intensified even more.

It was starting to become clear that suffering wasn’t this ‘thing’ I could get my arms (or mind) around and ‘cure.’ The more I read, listened and watched others talk about their own solutions for depression, anxiety and suffering, the more I smelled bullshit. I knew that if I waited long enough, cracks would appear in those rosy facades, and they always did.

This is the point where I suspect a lot of searchers fall into a despondency from which they never recover. The mind, trained as it is to look outside itself for answers, grows despondent when therapy, drugs, New Age alchemy, God, etc., fail to fix what ails it. Eventually the mind collapses under the collective weight of its own aptly-named “depression.” It gives up. [click to continue…]

{ 2 comments }