John Edwards. Tiger Woods. Jesse James. Lots of high-profile marital shenanigans of late. The most recent involves actress Sandra Bullock, who barely had time to celebrate her new best-acting Oscar before word came of hubby Jesse James’s months-long tryst with a “tattoo model.”
Thousands have commented on the situation, virtually all of them in support of the wronged Bullock, she of the “girl next door” looks and personality juxtaposed against the tattooed biker James, he of the recent nasty child custody clash with his ex-wife, the porn star. Not since Luke and Darth squared off has the character of two antagonists seemed so utterly cut and dry.
Have you witnessed a similar situation, where one party seems wholly unfit for the other, where one person is terribly wronged by another? Perhaps you yourself have been embroiled in such a drama? Which role did you play – predator or prey, persecutor or victim?
What if we viewed these events through something other than a worldly lens? What if we reminded ourselves that our relationships, as with all of life’s developments, are foremost about our spiritual development rather than material accomplishment? That far from representing some kind of finish line to the game of human interpersonal relationships, marriage is simply a more intense opportunity for spiritual growth that may or may not play out the way our egos expect?
Consider the universal law of attraction, which posits that like attracts like; that far from giving us what we want, the universe or God or life delivers what we need for our own spiritual well-being and growth. We may pray for Prince Charming but find a frog at our doorstep; or find the “perfect wife” only to see her die of cancer six months after the wedding bells have tolled. How often have we heard the tale of someone landing the perfect job, moving into the perfect home, or boasting of their award-winning children only to learn, some time later, how all of that “perfection” was an illusion?
Viewed this way, Bullock no longer is the aggrieved Hollywood princess upon whom a terrible injustice has been done nor is James the leather-clad outlaw doomed to crawl back into the dark place from which he slithered. Rather they are two souls urged to consider the unconscious behavior with which they are creating their respective worlds.
Perhaps these two image-conscious individuals must ask why, in fact, they chose one another. Squeaky-clean Bullock looking to update her image with a harder edge? Bad-boy James seeking entry into a world beyond pit bulls and garage noise? Going deeper still, why is their image so important to them? Whose image is it, anyway? The questions will take them as deep as they allow them to.
Unfortunately, most of us in such circumstances resort to more of that same unconscious thinking that got us into those situations in the first place. Rather than stepping outside of ourselves, we wrap ourselves in the cloak of victimhood, shake our finger at the other, or turn on ourselves in self-defeating thoughts and behavior. We cling to the same thought patterns that got us there in the first place and thus are doomed to repeat those mistakes again and again (how many people do you know who find themselves in the same relationship time and again?).
Will any of us be surprised if Bullock ends up in another failed relationship – or abandons relationships altogether? Will we roll our eyes if James finds himself tied to another “colorful” character akin to the tattoo model?
Maybe it is only when we recognize that life is always giving us what we need rather than what we want that true inner growth can begin. Perhaps when we start to see the world through a spiritual lens that all of its pain and disparity and incongruity can, if not begin to make sense to our mortal minds, at least offer us some peace in its acceptance?