So here I sit, the center of the known universe, population 1. If I dig and claw and scrape through all of the mind stuff accumulated over the past 47 years, if I burrow deep deep deep into the “known” part of that equation, what I uncover at the very core of my universal being is: fear.
Fear that I really am all alone. Fear that none of my existence matters. Fear that nobody is watching, that nobody cares, that the whole thing is utterly without meaning.
So I go looking for other universes to ease those fears, to tell me it’s all going to be OK, to remind me that I’m not alone, to give my existence some meaning. I can’t have my “mommy” anymore because it’s pretty clear she’s wrestling with her own fears and death will claim her and I’ll still be here searching for help.
I look for someone closer to my own age, a mate, someone with whom I can work out these issues together. Turns out she’s got a lot of her own ideas about how to deal with those fears. Worse, she’s actually added to my catalog of fears. What if she goes away? If she dies? If she stops caring about me? What if she meets a universe that has it more together than me?
OK, I know, I will sire little child universes I can mold in my own image. At least I will have companionship, I’ll die before them, and there won’t be the same personality clashes. Hoo boy. Despite my best efforts it doesn’t take them long to develop their own little personalities and now I’ve got dependents looking to me to help them understand what I still don’t understand! And my fear quota has grown exponentially. My god, they’re beautiful, innocent, what if something happens to them? What if a predator universe gets them? What if they aren’t able to keep up with all the other little universes competing for the same love and attention? How will they compete, survive, find all that peace and joy and happiness that’s eluded me?
I’m making things worse. I’ve gone from a lonely, fearful universe of 1 to a lonely, fearful universe of 1 worrying about the fates and outcomes of other universes. This is going in the wrong direction.
I notice some universes don’t invest much of themselves in other universes at all. It definitely seems easier. Some sire the little universes and disappear. Others force the little ones – and their mates – to march in lockstep with them. It’s pretty clear these are truly miserable universes.
Still others tell me to relax and go with the flow and just enjoy what I can and avoid the rest. Pop an umbrella when it rains, they say, otherwise quit yer bitchin’. Fair enough. But I’m old enough to know that game, have already seen it play out in some of the older universes that have gone before me. They smile and put on a good show and die young from heart attacks and cancers caused by a lifetime of repressed feelings. Many of their marriages are miserable, they loathe their jobs, they are marching to the internal instructions of an unseen drummer (childhood religious teaching, perhaps, years of parental conditioning, guilt, etc.) and so they snatch little giblets of sunshine wherever and whenever they can and tell themselves “one day” those giblets will turn into the feast. Only it never does because they’ve been sleepwalking across the years for so long they no longer even know what it is they were searching for.
Other universes recommend surrendering to “God.” God is the one who created me, God is the one waiting for me, God is the one offering me all kinds of happiness and peace right at this very moment only I’m too dumb or blind to see it. They know this because other universes have told them and they heard it from earlier universes who heard it from still earlier universes and this stretches back quite a ways. I have a hard time remembering what I had for breakfast yesterday but these universes are dead certain they’ve got these centuries-old teachings right. Some of these universes get pretty uptight if you don’t buy into their version of God – some get really uptight and will even end your time early if they can. Their fear is really strong.
So what is a lonely, fearful universe of 1 to do? Complicating things are these physical laws of which I am constructed (where did THEY come from?). The way it’s set up I don’t have a lot of time to work these things out. The material stuff of which I am constructed already is showing signs of strain and age and yet I am no closer to understanding any of this; of finding any semblance of lasting peace or happiness. In many ways I feel as if I am farther than ever from the truth and, worse, I’ve now got all these other universes to worry about.
Perhaps peace and happiness are not my due? After all, who said I was entitled to peace and happiness? Who said fear and loneliness with a smattering of good times here and there aren’t all there is? Where did I dream up the idea that there was any other way? Come to think of it, who dreamed ME up? Did I just materialize out of nothing – out of some kind of Big Bang between the parental universes (pun intended).
And maybe the most perplexing question of all: If I am utterly alone, a universe of 1 amidst a sea of similarly isolated universes, how am I aware of myself as a universe of 1?
(To be continued….)
